Bored beyond reason.

Mine broke on a Mini and I drove home using a bit of string from a butcher’s shop routed through the window!

Running on the M5 from Birmingham to the south I was on my C15, suddenly the engine stopped firing as if the fuse had blown. I looked down to see the distributor spinning and the loom wrapping itself around. Pulled the clutch in and coasted onto the hard shoulder. Investigations found the distributor internal clamp was not clamping and no amount of turning the clamp bolt made any difference and the LT wiring was in pieces.

1. Opened up the headlamp and took the lighting wiring out and used this to replace the LT cable.

2. Took a bungy cord off the rear carrier, wrapped it around the distributor and fastened the 2 free ends to the frame.

3. Roughly timed the distributor using some pencil marks left on from the last timing check.

4. Started the bike successfully and made it off the M5.

5. Went home stopping every 5 or so miles to adjust timing.

6. Got home and took timing covers off to find a clamp split into 2.

7. Replaced clamp and bike ran again.

Going back home from my girlfriends in Blackpool on the old Preston road early one morning, I caught every green light all the way into Preston. Approaching the lights at Strand road the swines changed to red and as I tried to change down a gear there was no gear lever on the shaft. Rolled to a stop and killed the engine and thought well it's somewhere between here and Blackpool but that's seventeen miles....BUGGER.!!

Looked at what was in the tool box and loh and behold a pair of mole grips sat there. I knew it wasn't the perfect mechanical solution but I  clamped the grips onto the splined shaft and found neutral. Kicking the old Goldie into life I then reached down and snicked it into first and carried on the next thirty miles home continually reaching down and changing gear, oh how I miss those days of 'Mechanical cunning' to fix things, all they carry today is a breakdown card

Not quite in the same vein that Robert was looking for, but in the 60s I worked in a factory where there were 23 of us who went to work on motorbikes. My bike at the time was a Wideline Dominator 99 and one day at knocking off time I went to the bike parking area, got on the 99 kicked it up and rode home (about 3 miles) I had a meal then proceeded to ride to my girlfriend's. The bike had started as usual and seemed fine for about 5 miles but then developed a bad misfire. I stopped to investigate and found both plug caps were just placed over the spark plugs without being clipped into place. pushing them on properly resolved the issue, and I thought it a bit strange but didn't realise until I got to work the next day and was greeted with " so your bike didn't get tampered with then"? Apparently some clown had pulled the plug caps off all the bikes for a lark, leaving them resting on the plug so as not to be obvious. It seems the 99 was one of the only bikes to start as normal and be able to be ridden away. (That's a bit long winded, I must have too much time on my hands)

Back in the early 80s, whilst towing my father-in-laws caravan round France on holiday, I managed, whilst turning round in a dead-end road, to put a caravan wheel down an un-covered drain, leaving the chassis sitting on the road.  Using the hydraulic jack I always carried, and the caravan corner jacks I got the wheel back up above ground level, but needed something strong to bridge the drain so I could tow it back to solid ground.  Answer was to dismantle the nearby road sign (consisting of pieces of chanel-iron bolted together) and use the uprights so I could tow the caravan forwards on them. The road sign was then re-assembled followed by a quick departure.  The children were amused - the wife was not!!  

1974 From South Wales, Hillman imp (Californian) camping trip to Barcelona, me wife daughter.  Hoverloydd  across the channel and away. Two weeks in the sun and head back early morning to catch hover craft   Over Pirennes and coasting down the foothills to Paris St German in the central massif.  No power. Coast into town 0600 hrs nothing. Local gendarmes walks by looked but went on  everything apart find condenser wire parted from contact. Next time he passed I held the two parts up. He smiled produced a lighter, and carefully heated the two parts and the solder ran. 
reinstall and off we go.  Not an understood word was spoken. But some very wide smiles on both sides.  

Carb needle clip broke on wife's C95 Honda in the wilds of Norfolk. She cunningly replaced it with a cut-down kirby grip and carried on happily.

Swingling arm spindle broke on my 99. Pushed it partly through and jammed a pillion footrest in place. It worked well enough to get us home.

On my first bike, over-tuned Ariel 350 Red Hunter, I was 'making progress' when the bike began to slow and it sounded like a tractor was catching up me! Turned out to be the exhaust rocker box bolts had sheared off and the box was dangling on the oil line. Without much hope, I found a piece of wood and jammed it between the rocker box and the frame - it worked! Got me home anyway.

Back in 1968 I started a borrowed Venom outside a Central London coffee bar late one Sunday evening only to have the throttle cable part company. No tools or spares on board—yikes!

I got back to SW London by poking my right index finger up the carb intake and operating the slide directly. I did have to pause every so often to take my finger out to warm up …  

Worked with horses some 30 years. Baling twine is as useful as duct tape and tywraps. Clutch failure on a horse lorry in Germany. Pedal wouldn't go up. Some twine to pull up the pedal. Worked ok for the 400 miles home. Another lorry, heavy rain, wipers would not return. Baling twine attached to wiper arm, then through side window. Horse groom pulled them back.

Did a half bunt with a Renault Dauphine. Got help turning it on the wheels again. It started but ran poorly. After some miles figured out that when upside down the oil in the aircleaner had poured out. Used some tape on the rubber hose to the carb, restricting air flow. Sold it next day. Got £70. Bought it for £8. Used half of it to buy a Ford model A. Luckily got a spare engine too. When driving home, the gear wheel on the camshaft lost its teeth. In the middle of nowhere. Just take out the gear wheel from the spare, remove the radiator and change. Vintage cars was really easy to fix.

riding my newly rebuilt Tiger cub( first bike) up the M1 from Herts to a friend in Kenilworth, it ran the big end 20 miles from destination Luckily, he picked the bike and me up, and I had to stay 2 extra days in order to rebuild the motor, and he had plenty of tools to hand. 

    Next bike was built up pretty quickly in order to go to my first TT, 1977, a 500 dynamo Tribsa. Sometime during the TT the dynamo end cap went missing ( camping at Ginger Hall) Not a disaster, but annoying. A day or so later, we went to watch the morning’s racing a few miles towards Ramsey, and when we got to our position behind a big stone wall, there was the end cap on top of the wall...!!

Never had so much amusement for ages reading this lot.....Off to an open rally, Friday night in the late 70s on the trusty 750 fbed. off motorway 10-00pm dark-happened to notice this red light coming and going at the side of me (no other vehicles about) must be my back light but you can't see that! But it can be the stop light! why am I seeing the stop light flashing? Because the brake rod is NOT connected to the rear brake, so my foot said, and then the road showed up in the head light a bend! aha take bend at excessive speed but ok. Check rear brake rod is dangling on stop light spring ie NOT connected to rear brake arm (lost the adjuster nut) Hmm ride carefully to next town, sit under showroom lights at garage to sort through odds and sods to repair the connection (with a spare chain link). While doing this garage operative went into show room and turned off the lights' not now!' he said!

Then another time I was coming up the M4 from Bristol (to home in West London) and I left the rear chain in the fast lane!! Oh sod, retrieved it but of course several broken links-sat by motorway-what to do? A small white van pulled up-what's up mate-can we help? Happened to be a couple bikers. The had a big Royal Enfield in the back, I explained about the chain, they then showed me that their bike had its chain off cleaned ready to go back on, it was not only the same pitch as Norton but the link length was exact! Fitted borrowed chain-went home. Cleaned chain later and set back. Definitely knights in shiny armour.

I have a few of these, but none as good as a couple of my Grandad's:

Siezed Rudge Ulster, obtained free after standing since beginning of Second World War, stripped rocker box off, got two old plugs and broke them up, tapped one for grease nipple and pumped combustion chamber absolutely hydraulically full of semi-fluid grease of the kind that went in Burman gearboxes, second plug tapped 1/2 BSF, screwed in a piece of stud iron double-nutted and gave it a turn every morning before work and another when he got home until the piston moved. He then worked the crankshaft with a spanner until it was properly free, which coincidentally expelled most of the grease from the plughole. When he started the engine, the smoke obscured half of Preston but the bike went extremely well, so much so that my Uncle only rode it once because it frightened him.

Broken valve spring on Velocette MSS: removed rocker box, found bdc, fed rope through plughole until no more would go in, bounced bike forward in gear until solid then changed valve springs using pinch bar against head steady lug. Bounced bike backwards until free then pulled rope back out of plughole.

He once made his own false teeth as well out of a cow's shin bone. 

Can't match any of the above but back around '78 I had a Jawa 350 (t/stroke twin). Coming home from work one evening with about 10m to go the throttle cable nipple let go at the twist grip end. I managed to get enough free cable to wrap round a finger of my right hand and rode home by lifting or lowering my hand - no front brake of course. Made for some very hairy starts at lights!

That same bike was misfiring badly one night with 20m to go so I found which plug was misfiring and - as I couldn't resolve the issue - removed it and rode home as a single.

There are some good replies on this thread! In my youth I had an MZ250 and on these the coil was mounted beside your right knee. One wet day, I found out, to my pain, that the bakelite had cracked at the top of the coil and the voltage took the path of least resistance - not across the plug , but across the 1" gap to my knee. No power and right leg involuntarily applying the brake. A painful push home followed. Just thinking of it still has me wincing! 

That plug cap story reminds again of that wayward Jawa. Riding to work in the middle of February around '79 on the M40 with snow piled up each side of the one lane that was open I came to my turn off only to find the throttle frozen open. There  was no way it would shut. I had to lean down and whip the cap off one of the plugs to reduce speed enough to turn off. It was enough to unfreeze it after a few seconds.

Another throttle cable story: in the mid-70s I commuted between Leighton Buzzard and Hemel Hempstead on a plunger-framed ES2. Going home one dark night the throttle cable broke just after I'd passed the last street light in Hemel. By this time I was more clued up than at the time of my Velo adventure and had plenty of tools and spares on board … except that, oh bugger, I've got a spare clutch cable but no throttle cable.

However, there was a simple solution: detach the choke cable from its slide, re-attach to the throttle slide, and ride home using the air lever in place of the twist grip.

This was an amusingly vintage experience and also an interesting challenge of one's anticipatory skills, so I rode like this for many days subsequently.

I concur with AOs opening comment (12 Mar), and now this topic has gone off the top of the current list, perhaps we should consider some thanks and recognition for Robert for starting it.  Perhaps a CDM, round of applause, or lap of honour?  

There I was bowling down the motorway in all comfort when suddenly a load roar (commando) and I suppose lost of power, but didn't initially notice, I thought exhaust ring has come adrift (again) hence noise, especially as I reached down to do up exhaust with leather glove and felt a draft. But no I had shot a spark plug out!!! Parked up on hard shoulder, with engine still running, but I couldn't install a new plug against the compression draft of a running engine! So I had to switch off to install plug and carry on.

First bike BSA 1959 Bantam 175 and left it one night (1970s) in Blackwood S.Wales outside miners institute while played snooker with mates. Thought it would be stolen (goodness knows why) so pushed it into a dark space by side of building to hide it and pulled HT lead off plug pushed under saddle and left it. Came out a while later and cable jammed under seat wrenched it out and snapped cable so no spark and a two mile push home and being South Wales first part of journey down hill to bottom of valley and the rest (longer) a fairly long hill up to home. Left in garage over night. Next day going on a 50 mile ride around Beacons. Did n't tell my dad who had just spent weeks rebuilding the bike what had happened but bound up broken leads with insulation tape and off we all set. Coming back all went well until heavens opened to driving rain and shorted it all out (10 miles from home) . Dark so unable to see. Called at a police house (unknowingly) but allowed to ring home with some reluctance  by the constable (no mobiles in those days) and father came out rather cross and piled bike into boot of car. Can't remember the excuse (lie) for the broken cable. Bike went on to live another day but lesson learnt no one steals an old bantam. Hugh       

in 1980 ish, I had a nickel plated Atlas which an friend needed to get to the TT. ( I had used it for my one go at classic racing ( the first CRMCC Snetterton meeting)) So off we set from Surrey, with me on my first ( Fastback) Commando. We got as far as Henley in Arden, Warks, before one of the Atlas tappet adjusters broke..well it did have a seriously hairy cam of unknown provenance. Luckily, we had stopped at another friend’s parent’s house, so Atlas was left  there and friend pillioned on Commando plus a lot of luggage, so rear rack came into it’s own!

     On the Quarry bends section of the course, we came round a left hander to find bikes and people all over the road ( recent minor crash) and with no time to stop, there was a bike-sized gap through the middle ...very useful!!

    Later it was a separate trip to fix the Atlas and get it back home. At least the front brake was superb, having had the linings skimmed to size by a specialist chap in Lenham, Kent.

Driving my newly acquired clapped out Cortina near Weston-Super-Mare in 1973, the front left wheel fell off on a minor country road. The bearing had collapsed and the wheel took everything with it including the brake pipe. I yanked the hand brake on, came to a stop and jumped out just as the wheel did that slowing down, spinning coin thing right behind the car. A minute later, the first vehicle to drive past, a Landrover, stopped, the driver dragged out a trolley jack, jacked up the corner of the car now resting on its suspension strut, and with him controlling/steering the jack I reversed slowly back along the road to his driveway, about two hundred yards. Parked the car there over-night and fixed it the next day. I'd bought the car because someone I knew at work had crashed my BSA Bantam and bent it when I mistakenly let him 'have a go'. Were those the days?

...you can't leave it like that! (The young ladies I mean!) You must be able to tell us a wee bit more!!